Anchored
by Gmariam
Summary: The aftermath of Flat Holm had left them all adrift, but after talking with both Gwen and Jack, Ianto felt a bit more anchored to the people he cared about.


Anchored

He watched her leave the Hub without even glancing back, as if she couldn't wait to leave Torchwood and all that had happened at Flat Holm behind. Tosh and Owen had long gone, and Jack was no doubt haunting the lower levels, if not brooding on a rooftop somewhere, taking it personally when it had very little to do with him and everything to do with the Rift and Gwen alone.

And so because he honestly wasn't sure how to approach Jack were he to actually find him, Ianto grabbed his coat and followed Gwen up to the tourist office and out onto the quay.

She was walking slowly, head ducked down against the chill in the night air. When he called her name, she turned and frowned before offering him a weak smile.

"Ianto," she said. He had always like the way she said his name, so natural and different from Jack's American accent or Tosh's more cultured voice. He sometimes felt a kinship with her that he didn't feel with the others, a connection that was about more than just their shared heritage, though at the same time it was often tinged with other feelings that he tried not to contemplate, because too often they filled him with shame. Yet right now he only felt a sense of compassion and understanding, and he would offer what support he could, because he knew Jack wouldn't.

"You all right?" he asked as he came up and started walking beside her.

"Been better," she admitted, her voice tired and sad.

"How about a cup of coffee before you head home?"

She smiled genuinely this time and nodded. "Make it hot cocoa, and I'm in," she replied. He offered her an elbow, and she took it, and they walked down the boardwalk together toward the shops and cafés.

"Hot cocoa sounds even better," Ianto agreed. "Now, how are you really?" He tried again, hoping for a bit more this time.

Gwen sighed. "It was awful, Ianto. I should have let it go, but I didn't. I couldn't, and I messed up. Again."

Ianto was quiet for a moment as he thought about how to respond. "How so?" he finally asked, letting her take the lead. He did not want to comment on something she wasn't upset about, after all.

"I shouldn't have told her," Gwen said, looking down at the ground as they walked. "I shouldn't have taken her out there. She was absolutely devastated."

"It's a difficult place to see," Ianto murmured, thinking of the many times he had been to Flat Holm. Bad enough to know the victims; if he thought about those left behind, like Nikki Bevan, never knowing what had happened to their loved ones, he wasn't sure he could handle the grief.

Yet he knew, from experience, that sometimes loved ones couldn't be saved. Sometimes the universe was cruel, and there was no choice but to carry on without them.

"She told me that I took away her hope," Gwen said so softly he could barely hear her. She pulled him to a stop and met his eyes, unshed tears glistening in her eyes. "I just meant to give her closure and instead, I've left her with nothing but emptiness and a lifetime of nightmares."

Ianto squeezed her hand, and she unexpectedly wrapped her arms around him, her head coming to rest against his chest as she sobbed into his coat. Ianto felt his heart go out to her in spite of everything. He considered her a valued coworker and even a friend, though their relationship was complicated by many things left unsaid. He had not meant to hurt her, but a small part of him did hope she had learned something. Just as Jack blundered in with his guns, Gwen rushed in with her heart; all too often they both failed to think through the consequences.

Finally she stepped back, wiping red eyes and a runny nose. He took a handkerchief from his pocket, and she smiled gratefully.

"Why did you do it?" she asked as they continued walking, the storm having passed, at least for now. He suspected there would be more later, as the real horror of Flat Holm continued to sink in.

"The GPS?" she continued when he did not answer. "Why did you leave it on my desk?"

Ianto sighed as he walked by her side, occasionally bumping shoulders. "Lots of reasons, really," he replied, hands in his pockets, feeling defensive even though this was Gwen and not Jack. It would be different with Jack, when Jack inevitably asked him why…

"Jack didn't want me to know," she said. "You went against him."

Ianto simply nodded. "I did, yes."

Gwen was quiet for a moment. "Is he upset with you?"

"I don't know," said Ianto, answering honestly. "I imagine so." She looked at him with a mixture of curiosity and surprise.

"I've been working downstairs most of the day, and I'm not sure where Jack's been," he offered, and she nodded.

"You're avoiding each other."

"We're men," said Ianto with a small smile. "That's what we do. We don't talk."

"You're talking to me," said Gwen, and Ianto smiled to himself.

"You needed it."

"Maybe you and Jack do too."

Ianto thought about it and decided he didn't want to go there; that was not why he had followed Gwen outside. "It'll be fine."

"I'm sorry if I got you into trouble," she said, and she linked arms with him again, as if to offer her own support.

"You didn't," he replied. "It was my choice."

"And you still haven't told me why," she said, trying to sneak in the question again. He smiled at her and motioned at the nearby café, and she gave him one of those 'This isn't over yet' looks women the world over seemed to have perfected.

Well, and Jack too.

They stepped inside and ordered their drinks, returning to the boardwalk and making their way slowly back toward the car park where Gwen had left her car. Ianto thought about following her all the way and simply heading home on his own, but he knew he'd be a coward if he didn't say something to Jack. And even if he was a coward, he wasn't such a rude one to leave without at least saying good night.

As they neared the tourist entrance, Gwen slowed down and inclined her head toward a nearby bench. They sat and sipped their cocoa; Gwen said something about wishing it were a bit stronger, to which Ianto grinned, took her cup and hurried to the tourist office. He quickly added a bit of the Baileys he kept in back office for cold days before returning to the bench and handing her a much-improved cup of cocoa.

"Oh, that's brilliant," she laughed. "Thank you."

"You're welcome," Ianto said, then paused. "For the drink, at least. Maybe not for the rest."

Gwen sighed. "I'll be all right, Ianto. You still haven't told me why you did it, though."

He couldn't avoid it anymore. And maybe talking to her would be good practice for that inevitable not-talking-about-it with Jack.

"You needed to know," he started, staring off across the bay, fingers wrapped tightly around the warm cup in his hands. "I may not know you like Rhys or any of the others know you, but I do know you refuse to give up. I know how stubborn you are." He gave her a small smile, to which she rolled her eyes in agreement, and he continued.

"Not knowing would tear you up. Not telling you would cause friction." He paused. "I think there's always enough of that going around that we don't need more of it."

Gwen seemed to process it all as she took a sip of her cocoa. Then she shook her head. "But why wouldn't Jack tell me? Tell all of us?"

Ianto nodded. "Because he's Jack," he offered simply. Gwen gave him a puzzled look, which was why Ianto had realized months ago the reason Jack had come to rely on him and not Gwen: deep down, she didn't understand. Ianto did.

"Jack likes to think of himself as the hero, as infallible," Ianto explained. "Admitting the existence of Flat Holm would mean he's neither. It would mean he can't do everything, can't protect everyone, and he doesn't want to admit that to people. Especially you."

When she ignored that last, Ianto was glad, because he didn't feel like going into the particulars of Jack and Gwen's unique relationship. It wasn't about that anyway, it was about Jack. She didn't say anything, though, so Ianto continued.

"Jack also prefers to carry his burdens alone most of the time, and I think he was worried that Flat Holm could be the thing that broke you."

Here Gwen turned surprised eyes on him. "After all we've been through? All the shit we've seen and done, and he's worried about a medical facility in the middle of the Bristol Channel running me out of Torchwood now?"

Ianto glanced across the bay again. "Couldn't it? Knowing that the Rift takes people but sometimes returns them shattered and broken, and that the only thing we can do for them is look after them, barely make them comfortable…while keeping them secret from their loved ones?"

He could sense Gwen's sharp look, and he turned back to her with as much compassion as he could muster. "Because we have to, you know. You saw how Jonah Bevan's mum responded. We can't tell the other families, if that's what you were thinking about."

"It had crossed my mind," she murmured, hanging her head a bit. "Until I went back and saw how angry Nikki was. We can't do that to other familes, you're right. Hope is better than anger and fear."

Ianto nodded, glad that she understood and yet sorry that she had to experience it. Jack had always been so protective of Gwen that in some ways Ianto hated hurting her (and thus Jack) this way, yet he stood by what he had said: he knew she would never give up, and it would only have lead to more and more conflict within the Hub, particularly with Jack.

Gwen may have experienced one of her first heartbreaks working for Torchwood, but hopefully it had also opened her eyes to the fact that Jack was just a man, just trying to do his best with what life—and the Rift—handed them. Perhaps she had even learned that sometimes what felt like the best solution could often be the worst.

"Ianto, can I ask you something?" she said after a long silence. He nodded and sipped at his cocoa, letting it warm him both inside and out.

"Of course," he said, having a fairly good idea of what she might say.

There was a slight pause. "How did you find out?" she asked. "About Flat Holm?"

It was exactly what he had been expecting. "Jack didn't tell me, if that's what you're wondering," he started, and she shook her head quickly, eyes wide as if caught in a lie.

"No, no, of course not!" she said, but the blush coloring her cheeks said otherwise. "I was just wondering…"

"I discovered it while Jack was gone," Ianto said. He stared straight ahead, dark memories from that time unfortunately returning to color an already trying day. "I was fielding his calls and emails and had noticed some budget issues. When Helen called looking for him after six weeks, I went out there myself to see what it was and explain things."

"You went by yourself?" Gwen whispered, sounding shocked and sickened. Ianto laughed bitterly.

"I had no idea what to expect. Helen assumed I'd been briefed before Jack left, since I certainly didn't let on that he'd just run off. I was definitely not prepared for it, that's for sure."

There was more silence as Ianto turned over that horrible day in his mind: arriving by boat at the small island, making his way toward the mysterious facility whose existence he hadn't even been aware of until Jack had left. He remembered stepping into the dark corridors, gazing at the lonely residents in their rooms, listening to the awful scream that started just as he was leaving…Ianto couldn't help but shudder, and Gwen put a hand on his knee. He in turn put an arm around her shoulders and pulled her close.

"It was hard," he whispered. "And I don't know why I didn't say anything, except that Jack hadn't told us so I assumed it was meant to be classified."

"So you ran it the entire time he was gone?" she asked, and he nodded. "Is that why you were so angry when he returned?"

That was unexpected, and he deflected it because he was certainly not going to go _there, _and definitely not with _her._ "It was one of many reasons," he said, and let his tone close the matter. For once, Gwen understood and backed off. She kissed him on the cheek.

"I'm sorry you had to go through that alone," she said.

"And I'm glad you don't," he replied with a small smile. He released his arm and stood, offering her a hand up. "Now, what are your plans for tonight?" he asked. Her eyes went suddenly wide.

"Shit! I'm supposed to be cooking for Rhys!" she exclaimed. "I promised, I've missed so many dinners—"

He stopped her with a hand on her shoulder. "Stop. I'll take care of it. Take away from Bravura, and all you need to do is pick it up with a nice bottle of chianti. Sound good?"

She shook her head. "You're amazing, you are."

He shrugged as he pulled out his mobile. Maybe he'd order some for himself as well.

"Jack is lucky to have you," Gwen said so quietly he almost missed it, and he turned to her with a surprised look on his face. "I hope he knows that."

"I doubt it," Ianto murmured, but he was smiling, the compliment filling him with warmth even if he wasn't quite sure it was true.

"I'll make sure he does," she said with a laugh and another peck on the cheek. She turned and started toward the car park. "Thank you, Ianto—for everything."

"You're welcome," he called after her. "I'll ring and have it ready for pick-up in twenty!"

She waved at him and dashed off, and he watched her affectionately before dialing the restaurant, placing one order for pick-up and another for delivery. Then he sat down to finish his cocoa, turning it all over in his mind.

Somehow he wasn't surprised when Jack came out of the tourist office, wrapped in his great coat but looking uncertain, almost unsteady. Ianto glanced up at him and sighed. He hadn't quite screwed himself up to go back in and say anything, but it seemed he wouldn't be able to avoid it now.

"She all right?" Jack asked, helping himself to a seat next to him. Ianto nodded and finished his cocoa, crumbling the cup and tossing it toward the nearest rubbish bin. Jack had brought out a flask and offered it with an inviting look. Ianto in turn raised an eyebrow, but took a long pull at the whiskey, simply because it would keep him warm—and because he might need it.

"She'll be fine," he finally answered. "She just needed to cry it out a bit, I think. Seeing Jonah's mum was hard."

"She was not particularly happy about finding her son like that," Jack murmured, and Ianto glanced at him in surprise.

"You went and saw her?"

Jack sighed and let his head fall forward after he took a sip from the flask. "I just left her. I wanted to take some of the pain away. Low level dose of Retcon. She doesn't deserve to remember her son screaming like that."

Ianto closed his eyes. "The scream." He held out his hand for the flask again, and Jack handed it to him wordlessly.

"I'm not angry," said Jack after a long silence. "If that's why you've been avoiding me to the point of freezing your arse off out here."

"I'm not sorry," said Ianto, and he sensed Jack tense before he handed back the flask and amended his words. "I'm sorry that I hurt you, that I went behind your back…but I'm not sorry that I told her. She needed to know. She deserved to know."

"No one deserves to know about Flat Holm," Jack murmured, and Ianto could hear the deep sense of guilt and pain in the man's voice. He would have reached out to Jack, but wasn't sure they were quite there yet.

"But you're right about her needing to know. You're right that she would have never given up."

"And she would have come to resent you for it, Jack," said Ianto bluntly, glancing sideways at the captain. "I couldn't let that happen."

"I know." Jack glanced up and gave him a half smile. "Thank you for always seeming to know better than me."

"Always?" Ianto offered a rare snort of self-deprecating derision. "I don't know about always, but I try my best."

This time Jack smiled fully. "You really do, don't you? It was good of you to talk to her."

"It was good of you to see Jonah's mum," Ianto returned. Jack shrugged off the compliment much as Ianto had, and once again they lapsed into silence.

"Ianto, I'm—"

He was interrupted by the arrival of a young delivery girl with a large bag of delicious smelling food. "Ianto Jones?" she asked, and Ianto stood, pulling out his wallet to pay for his order. He gave her a large tip, as he had done ever since Annie Botchwell had died, and watched her leave before turning to find Jack giving him an odd look.

Ianto sighed. "I ordered enough for two, if you wanted to talk more."

Jack looked like he might crumple right there, and for a moment Ianto was thrown by the man's unexpected emotional reaction to the simple invitation. But Jack shook it off quickly. "There's nothing else to talk about, really," he said with a shrug.

Ianto tried not to let his face show just how far his heart plummeted in that moment, or how his stomach clenched in fear. He simply nodded and took a deep breath, readying himself to leave with enough food for a week, given that he had suddenly lost his appetite. "I understand, sir."

Jack jumped up, eyes wide. "Ianto, that's not what I meant," he exclaimed, taking Ianto by the shoulders and gazing into his eyes. "I meant that I don't need to talk to you, because I understand. And it's over now. I forgive you, and I hope you'll forgive me for putting you in such a difficult position."

Ianto let a small sigh of relief slip past his lips. "Then are you hungry?" he finally asked, and was rewarded when Jack placed a quick kiss to his lips before pulling back.

"I thought you'd never ask."

Ianto actually laughed, since he had already asked, in a way, but he didn't point that out. He started back toward the tourist office and the Hub, assuming Jack would want to eat on the sofa, as they often did, or perhaps in the conference room. Occasionally they even ate in bed, although Ianto thought that might be pushing it that night.

"Ianto?" Jack called. Ianto turned to find that Jack wasn't following him.

"Is something wrong?" he asked, a sudden worry filling him once more.

"Can we…can we eat at your place?" Jack asked. He looked almost embarrassed to be asking. "Leave Torchwood behind for a night after everything that's happened?"

Ianto walked back to join him. "Of course we can. Everything is shut down and rerouted inside, I assume?"

"Yeah," Jack admitted a bit sheepishly.

"You were watching us," Ianto commented, and again Jack nodded.

"I didn't think you'd talk to her," Ianto said, leading the way toward the car park and his Audi.

"Probably not tonight," Jack replied with a shrug. "You were the right one. You could explain it better. Thank you."

"You're welcome." Ianto was quiet until they got to the car. He paused before opening the door. "Jack?"

"Yeah?"

"Are you sure you're okay?" He met Jack's eyes over the roof of the car. "That we're okay?" He hated asking, but somehow he suspected Jack needed the reassurance as much as he did.

"I'm okay," Jack said softly. "And so are we. Let's just go home."

Ianto blew out a breath as he unlocked the car. He climbed into the driver's seat, handed Jack the take away bag, and started the car. Before he had even pulled out, Jack took his hand and held tight. He held it all the way back to Ianto's flat, and Ianto knew then that while they may have lost their footing for a while, they had found it again, and hopefully always would.

* * *

Author's Note:

Isn't it required of TW fanfiction writers to pen stories after certain episodes? And isn't Adrift one of them? I'd be remiss if I didn't toss mine into the pot. Especially since it's mostly dialogue and I hear these things quite clearly in my head. If I don't let them out, people might think I'm mad. Tosh is nattering at me next.

Thanks for reading!


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